Darn it!

BESSY IS HOME

But that shouldn't suggest that everything's WELL

The Joy

The day I've waited for since December. Sa wakas nasa Pinas na si Bessy (I can't call her Mai anymore) Sa wakas, one call away nalang ulit xa. And if I ever wanted, I could go to Sunstone Street again to see her personally.

The night she came, I slept early. I knew she was landing that day... syempre naman, 15 days ago pa ko nag countdown. But then there was nothing left to do that night and I didn't know how I was gonna talk to her so I just slept.

"tama na yan"

Nagtext si Ariz bandang 12:15 AM. Di ko napansin, nung umaga nalang. What the hell... lagi nalang pag di ako online "tama na yan". Back then I thought he was pertaining to something green-minded, pero when I talked to him, hindi naman pala. Hehe... ako lang un.

"sup bessie? im back"

Around 1:20 AM si Bessy naman online. Whoa... dun ko lang naregret na di ako online... too bad! But there was still time the following day. Pag gising ko nagonline ulit ako, hoping that Bessy had somehow discovered the "I'm on SMS" feature, pero wala pa pala syang cellphone, so... That night, Helen forced me to call her. I did want to but I was still a bit hesitant. I'm always like that, but seconds after getting to talk to her, nasanay na ako mejo and then it was like old times. Whoa..

She had plans on Thursday but I'm not sure if I was going with or not... I was happy, yes.. so happy. It was like... pure Joy. Thus the title... you would've understood that by now.

The Misery

Just recently, I've been facing a fact that was not entirely easy to accept. I guess this isn't the perfect place to say it, but as I devoted myself to this blog thing, I thought that I should spill everything there is to know about me. So if in case I die tomorrow, the world knows how I felt just before I did.

My mother works for the United Nations, she's been working there for more than a decade but only recently had her salaries gone higher than we expected. (should I really tell you?) No, I won't say the amount, but I can tell that it's more than enough to satisfy my needs. Other than my mother, there is no one else to get the bread. She serves as both parents and she's always away in another country somewhere troubled and dangerous, very prone to anything that might kill a person.

Right now she's in Angole where there are two deadly illness. One is Malaria, that shitty mosquito bite can cost your life. And the other is Ebola. There are a number of Filipinos in Angola, but their numbers don't go up to a hundred... and two of them had died from one of these diseases. Shit! Do you know how it feels to know that and to also know that your mother lives there... and that she has to for your own sake?

That really sucks... and not just normal suck. It SUCKS big time. But other than that, what sucks more (and even harder!) is knowing that if she does pass away, there's no one else to rely on. Yes, her savings exist, but they can only exist for so long. They WILL run out one day and that one day is very SOON.

I've realized specially in this condition (being a summer graduate) that I shouldn't have gone free (with my studies.. going stupidly in the direction where I thought I would get more experience) when in any moment, my mother could be taking her last breath with me not knowing it.

If she does die.. only my brother would be able to take care of me. But by then! I wouldn't be able to live THIS life, the life I had grown to love and practice like breathing air. The life I'm used to... carefree and all easy-going. If that ever happens, and I must change accordingly, I'll be ready. But it won't be easy. And I hope I make it... I hope that no matter what happens, I'll be able to face everything like I know I will.

I'm capable, I know. And right now, there's nothing left to do but strive and LEARN all skills I can before time runs out. I feel like my story has already been written, and that my Mom is bound to die some time soon... If I continue feeling this way, I WILL strive in everything I put my hands on. I will no longer let Laziness tell me otherwise. I can't... I won't. There's too much to sacrifice. I must not take these things for granted. They are gifts, they are blessings. They rot if not used in the right time. They fade if unnoticed. They are nothing if untouched.

Wake up, Lawrence. You may not be living a dream, but you're dreaming a life. Wake up from this worthless couch-potatoe attitude. Wake up from this nonsense. There isn't much time. You know yourself. You know what you're capable of. You know everything you ever need to know to wake up, so proceed with it. Stop staying in that bed enchanted by the horrible witches of LAZINESS. Instead, step away as soon as the rooster cries. The break of day is a very special moment, don't let yourself watch the hands of the clock tick while you slowly realize how much time you're actually wasting.

Idiot! Just Wake up... The world is waiting for you. They may not be ready, but just the same, SHOCK them! You're talents are waiting to burst... you're filled with them. God damnit, it's a crime to keep them there in your bed.

Do I sound idiotic talking to myself?  I may sound cocky, but then again... who am I talking to?

Too Many Problems

PROBLEMS ONLY BECOME PROBLEMS BECAUSE YOU SEE THEM THAT WAY

The Problem with Problems is that they're hard to see in other ways, other than that...

"Don't let your problems disturb you, it should be you that disturbs your problems"

The last one was too weird, it's Personification. Adik kasi nagsabi nyan e. Pero nagets ko rin. I have some serious shit running around my head for the past one week. News is out that I'm a Summer Graduate. It hit me for a moment, maybe some few minutes. I sat there in the Freedom room under the back wall fan and I tried to absorb the gravity of the situation. I felt it, yes, but what do you want me to do? Cry? Beg for Mercy? No way... pride? Not pride... I had to be rational. If things happen as they are, then they happen as they are. You can't easily change things, you can't cry because things happened that you didn't want to happen. You have to move on. You have to face your fate, REALITY is inevitable. ... Very inevitable.

I live by many rules, and one of these rules say that I eradicate all problems who dare interfere with my happiness. Well, all problems interfere happiness, so all problems must be taken care of immediately. No other feelings are welcome in my mind and body, unless they are HAPPY. Life is too short to be spent on crying, to be spent on being angry, it is not pure happiness, but Enjoyment is a priority, is a necessity.

I know sacrifices well, I have made quite a few myself. I don't need anyone reminding me that sacrifices must be done, because I have practiced it first hand. I know how it feels, I know the pain, I know the misery, despair. I hate it, but one must live through it, and I have. Don't tell me what to do when you don't know it yourself. Stop speaking like you know how I feel, we live in different worlds, we walk different paths. You may be older mom, but you lived this part of your life decades ago, and believe it or not, there IS a big difference. Don't tell me I'm failing, I know where I fall. I've already made a cushion there, so I won't feel pain at all. I've seen where you've gone, I know better not to make the same mistakes. But let me make my own mistakes! There are millions more, let me learn a lesson by taking one. Stop pushing me. I don't pressure you, what have I done to deserve it?

I know the feel of success, I have been up there. If I stayed there too long, how can I feel the rest of the world? You keeping me there, is like bringing me boredom. I want to walk the muddy road, I want to smell the stench that those below me had. It's not fair to assume that I am abusing my freedom. There are millions of other reasons why things happen to me, why must it be the freedom I enjoy?

I know now that I had failed, I am not grateful but I am not regretful. I always look at the bright side, and I have already seen it while I sat under that back wall fan at Freedom's room. Why must I follow the steps of people around me when I can make my own path? I have my own feet, I don't want to be a follower forever. I want to lead the way, if not for other people then for my own purpose. If I chose to walk this road, would you already cry because I did not walk alongside my colleagues? Does it mean that I am pitiful? ...Does it really?

I'm not sure if I'm the only one who understands this, there could be more who do. But one day, when I look back, and read this again. I would know how I felt and the emotions kept within will sweep over my body once more.

I may be wrong , but I don't have to be right all the time. Your life is a Sphere Grid (Final Fantasy X -thanks Nink) you can walk different directions, but you have to earn your right to do so. And if in case you made a mistake, don't let it bother you. All you must do is work harder the next time around so you can go back and correct those errors. Mistakes are not meant to break a person... it's supposed to mold you.

YOU THINK YOU KNOW. BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA

Why Don't You Do Something?.

Home Alone... nah

At Least Not Anymore

It Began When...

Pumasok ako sa CAT. Sus, kelangan na e. Kung di ako grumaduate sa CAT, di ako ggraduate talaga. And besides, nagbayad ako nung 100 pesos na un e! Langya... Summer Grad ako e, in case you didn't know that. And no, I'm not ashamed of it. I'm kinda proud in a way although maraming nanghihinayan sakin. Baket ba? Ako ba nalulungkot pag bumabagsak kau? (haha!)

Thanks for the concern but I wouldn't want it to be overdone. I'm flattered, I really am, but then again, nappressure ako pag sinasabihan nyo ko nun. Too much of something is ALWAYS bad.

So un nga, pumasok ako ng CAT. After that, dahil na adik nanaman si Andy si Gunbound, inaya nya ko sa Netopia where we had recently become Members. Kasama ko si Dearest fF at si Ariz. Hinihintay namin si Camille para pumunta kami sa house nya para manood ng kung anumang movie.

After which, hindi sumulpot si Camille dahil pag uwi nya from Miriam Entrance Test, nakatulog na pala agad. Nakakahiya naman kung pumunta kami dun tas gisingin xa. So I thought I just wanted to go home... I was looking forward to a boring night. Until Ariz said he wanted to go to the house coz he didn't have anything planned. (Gagu toh... birthday ni Yarra nun e, kinalimutan!) Upon hearing that, Andy wanted to go to the house too kasi matagal na nya sakin sinabi na laruin ung Final Fantasy X na matinding inspiration daw. Sus, dito pala nya nakuha ung mga ideas nya habang ginagawa namin ung "FATE" E ayoko pa naman ng ganun... parang, pag naging movie na to sabihin ng mga tao.. "E galing Final Fantasy X yan a!"

Anyway.. the four of us ended up going home. Too bad, the house wasn't at 100% condition kasi inaayos ung sala namin sa baba and the Comfort Room was also unavailable. So watching movies was out of the options dahil dun masarap manood ng movie. May TV sa taas... pero inakyat na namin sa kwarto ko dahil dun ko gusto maglaro ng PS2.

Sometime in the afternoon, umuwi na si fF. Sumabay xa palabas kasama si Andy kasi may tryouts pa xa sa North Susana. Natira nalang si Ariz and we kept on playing up to that late. Hanggang nagtext si Louie kay Ariz. Birthday daw ni Yarra... "pupunta ka ba?" biglang paalis na dapat xa kaso hindi pa kasi nilalaro pa ung Tekken 5 na kakabili lang nya kanina. Aalis nalang daw xa later pag dating ulit ni Andy.

Andy came back around 11 o'clock. Wala na tricycle dun sa tinuro ko sakanya so I asked kuya to come with us and pick him up kasi kung hindi maglalakad kami. Ang bait ni kuya nung gabing un, inaya ba naman kami magbowling sa Ever.

So we picked up Andy and we played Bowling. Kampi kami ng kuya ko and Ariz and Andy sa kabilang team. The score was 2-1. Panalo kami. Despite the many trashtalk ni Andy. Too bad... yabang mo kasi e!

And then we went home, di na pumunta sa birthday ni Yarra si Ariz. Siguro dahil malayo pa, Makati pa daw e and maybe because Louie wasn't coming as well. We ended up at home after buying some Kowloon Siomais. Masarap naman e. naglaro lang kami ng naglaro... la na magawa na iba e.

Inaya ni kuya si Ariz to drink some wine, kasi meron xa "Duhat". Haha, mura daw un and ineendorse sa knya ng isa nyang kakilala. After that, naantok si Ariz, dahil xempre... wine un. Umakyat xa sa bedroom ko na sobrang sarap tulugan and naka set na, kanina pa kasi naka on ung aircon.

"Sige tulog ka muna, gisingin ka nalang namin mamaya," I told him.

Inakyat namin ung TV nung umakyat narin kuya ko, mga 2am yata. And then Andy forced me to play Final Fantasy X (FFX) para makita ko na daw. Yeah... well, I played it. Pero inaantok na ko. Kasi I lied down in bed and while he was so eager to tell me stuff about the story, i was too eager to close my eyes. And I did... while I was talking to him. Parang, nakapikit mata ko pero nakikipag usap parin ako sknya so he wouldn't think that I was slowly getting drowsy. Hanggang napansin din nya some time later, mga bandang 4:30. We turned off the TV and the PS2 to get into bed. Hindi na namin ginising si Ariz kasi parang mahimbing na tulog nya. Sayang naman epekto ng wine. At first, nawala ung antok ko so I thought maybe we could talk a while before we let the Sandman put us to sleep, pero it caught up with me. So natulog na rin ako. Haha.

2PM

Nung nagising kami ulit. Haha, ang paalam ni Andy sa family nya, uwi xa by 6am. Waw, it's already 8 hours past that. So it went on, laro ulit kami until by 6PM kelangan ko pumunta dentist. Andaming kaguluhan dahil di alam ni Andy kung uuwi pa xa or not. So... nung pumunta na kami sa dentist, sumama na rin xa dahil xa lang magisa maiiwan sa bahay and he wouldn't want that coz he's afraid of the dark. And Ariz was coming too kasi malapit lang ung dentist namin sa bahay nya. We dropped him at Cherry Foodarama, Sa Congressional. And we proceeded to the dentist. I told Andy that it would end somewhere between 8PM or 8:30 at most pero biglang 10PM pa natapos. Haha! Too bad. Napagusapan na namin na sa bahay nalang ulit xa matutulog and he agreed, pero he had second thoughts again kasi di nya lam magpapaalam sa family nya. Edi kumain muna kami sa HapChan... I love that restaurant. Tas bumalik na kami sa bahay. Nung tumawag xa sa bahay nya, biglang pinauwi xa. Ang ending nito.. to make a long story short, nagpumilit ung lolo nya na kunin xa, susunduin xa dito. And his Grampa knew the place well so he had no problems BUT he did ask me for directions.

Un, I slept soon afterwards. Mga 1am na un e. And I wanted to go to school, kaso biglang nanghinayan ako after. Nagising ako mga 11AM na. Pupunta pa ba ko sa school? Sus wag na... Ano pa ggwin ko dun? Clearance? La pa naman ako nung requirements. Nagtext sila na ppunta nanaman sila dito.

By 1PM nandito na sila, Si fF, Andy and Soleil. We played and they used the computer for research. Naglaro kami ni F ng tent-tent-tan. (Bahay-bahayan) and we made some kind of room out of the blankets. Swerte, 3 kasi blankets ko nun. Tig isa kami the night before.

Umuwi sila mga 8PM na. (sobrang sinasummarize ko na kasi antagal na nito e)

TODAY! Finally, as I had caught up with time! TUESDAY NA! SATURDAY pa lang nung inumpisahan ko ung pagkwento nito sa taas ng entry... Andito sila sa bahay kanina! Walangya sila! Sabi ni Ariz kagabi nood daw kami ng movie sa BigR. And I was waiting for their signal the whole morning. Naligo na ko at lahat lahat at naglalaro ako ng gunbound habang hinihintay ko sila. Biglang nagakyatan ung mga kumag! (kumag na masarap kasama) Biglang andito na sila without telling me!

And they "CAME HERE TO EAT!"

...Putanesca...

Camille and fF went home around 5-6PM.

Andy and Ariz stayed around up to 8PM.

"Andy: Ui lawrnce punta jan bkas ng umaga..kasi 1pm p prctce. Ung ffx ah, klngan bkas tpos m na ung part na gagamitin m c seymour. Mlapit n un."

Yah yah... i'm looking forward to that too.

Haha, malibog ka talaga Lawrence. Ito si Yuna at Tidus, bida ng FFX.

Damn I'm Hungry.

i gotta Eat!

Princess Birthday mo Ngaun! Happy Birthday! 18 Ka Na! Enjoy!

(mababasa mo kaya to?) -doesn't matter.

Oh Happiness

Yesterday, pumasok ako. Yehey! Nagabsent lang kasi ako one day tas ung mga tao biglang sinabi na lagi ako absent. What's their problem? They miss me too much they can't keep still pag nawawala ako. Ganun ba ko kainfluential? I'm sounding cocky today, i don't know why. Sobrang good mood ko kasi. Sayang naman, I didn't use Xanga yesterday when I was most talkative. I wonder if mag-ganun ulit ako.

I didn't sleep kahapon, gising pa ko nung sinign ko ung kay Billy Crawford sa baba. And I was greatly active towards the day kasi na-absent nga ko. Grabe, my friends DID miss me. And I missed them just as much. May narinig kasi ako sound na everytime I hear it, naccleanse ung katawan ko of all problems, of all evil things. Kakaiba to kaya ia-advertise ko na: <artist><song>

Mum - We All Have A Map Of The Piano.

Soundtrack yan ng Wicker Park which by the way is a GREAT movie, and ung album na to entitled Wicker Park Original Soundtrack  is full of tracks that portray obsession. Pero ung track na yan sa taas, i didn't feel obsession. (or maybe, kasi 11 days nalang anjan na Bessy ko!) Ang nafeel ko lang, relaxation and the sweet flow of life and I don't know why, but as I approached school with this song in my mind, sobrang good mood ko and here I realized ONCE AGAIN that we are not supposed to be UNHAPPY!

Happify Yourself

The world is such a happy place, and you are born HAPPY. At natural state, our original emotion is happiness which is more than I can ask for. The only problem is, we give ourselves problems. Why on Earth do we do that? Ewan ko sa inyo, bahala kayo, but I decided that I should live a life of Happiness because it's a crime to drown yourself in the torrents of Sadness. Speaking of emotions, wala talaga naramdaman pag enter ko ng campus. Pag tingin ko sa mga tao, parang lahat sila nakangiti sakin, kahit hindi naman. Hala, I may be getting autistic. Hmm... you think that maybe autism is happiness? I mean, all the autistic people I've met were always happy, what's in their world? Lumilipad ba sila? Coz I saw this one kid jumping around the house saying jibberish things and always with a smile. Oo, autistic xa. I mean, really diagnosed.

Kahit inaasar na ko nung mga tao sa school, parang wala lang. Smile parin. Pansin nga ng friends na bawat salita ko naka-smile. Hindi daw natatanggal ung ngiti. For me that's a good thing. But like I know, and like I've always said: Not all good things are meant to last. It's a sad truth... I'm still trying to find a way to prove otherwise pero so far, I'm always failing.

Yes, sadly, my happiness did not last long. I mean, it made it through afternoon but once evening struck, something happened that shouldn't have happened. Langya naman kasi si Ariz pakialamero, yan tuloy, I pulled the Silent Treatment on him. Effective pala sa kanya. Manhid kasi ibANg tao. Di ko lang xa kinausap for the remainder of the day kasi feeling ko mabbadtrip lang ako. Basta! Ayoko na banggitin dito, baka maging issue pa ung taong involved. And I wouldn't want that at all. I mean, she's a nice person, but I'm not comfortable with the fact na may gusto pala xa sakin and she's been hanging out with me for a long time but I didn't know about it.  Nacurious ka no? Well, no. You can try asking me who, but that's all you can do. TRY. Try and Try until you succeed? nah, you can Try all you want. I'm not telling.

Anyway. Umalis xa ng Netopia, tinapik lang ako sa shoulder as means of saying so kasi nagsoundtrip ako e pero katabi parin xa.  Gagu ka kasi e! Ang natira nalang dun kami ni Andy samantalang akala ko JC and JT would still be there through the night. Gusto ko pa naman ma-reunite kaming apat. F4. Nagbreak kasi kami nung natapos ung Meteor Garden. Gagu kasi yan si ShanCai!

And so the night went, di ko rin gano pinansin si Watsi-Lei, Andy pala, kasi na bad mood ako. Feeling ko ung buong GOOD MOOD ko nung umaga, tinatago lang ung mga emotions na nakikita nya na hindi HAPPY. Emotions like, anger. And nung mga panahon na nangyari na nga ung incident, na-unleash ung Anger ko na naipon lang. Kaya, sumobra. I went home after that... I mean, after ko hinatid si Andy sa SM Fairview (coz that was the deal) Upon getting home, I ate and slept. zZZ. Sobrang sarap ng tulog ko, ang bilis nga e. Parang ilang minuto lang umaga agad, walang ya yan! It's all cool. Masrap naman pumasok e. I love this school... hehe.

Teka, something's wrong with Xanga. I can't upload pictures. Baka bukas ayos na, bukas nalang.